For the past two weeks, my sleep schedule has been thrown off. I can't blame this entirely on the midnight showing of Wolverine, though that didn't help matters. I just haven't been going to bed when I should. Then I wake up in the morning, and an extra 10 minutes of sleep sounds way better than getting up and Ascending, even though I'm going to be tired either way and at least the meditation will get me focused. But there's just not that much logic first thing in the morning, especially after a late night.
So I've been skipping my morning Ascension. And then for no reason whatsoever, I've skipped most of my evening meditations, too. I stopped setting the expectation for myself to do it every day. I lost track of my priorities.
I can always tell when I haven't been Ascending. I feel tired, my brain isn't as sharp, I tend to have less self-discipline and be more emotional. It's easier for me to get down about things when I'm not tapping into that sense of bliss twice a day. It's just no good.
This morning as I stumbled around in a sleepy daze, trying to find a matching sock and some pants that weren't wrinkled, I looked longingly at my meditation chair which was covered in said unmatched socks and hastily folded laundry. I think it's been over a week since I used it for its intended purpose.
I felt guilty about not meditating for so long, then I felt kind of angry with myself for not making the time, and then angry in general for not having the time. Suddenly I realized I was anti-meditating. I was creating stress for myself over not sitting. This was counterproductive. And stupid.
So I stopped. I took a deep breath, and dropped an attitude. And made an agreement with myself to get up earlier tomorrow, to meditate.
I am reminded once again to approach each moment with innocence; in other words, not allowing yesterday's failure to influence today's action. By getting upset with myself for skipping a meditation, I'm letting the mistake I made yesterday already start to ruin my actions today. I have to be compassionate with myself, allowing a mistake to be okay, so that I can leave it where it was made and move on anew. Each mistake needs to be left where it was, so that today's action can be made in alignment with its goal. So that I can meditate in joy and peace. Because whether or not I meditated yesterday doesn't matter anymore, so long as I am sitting today.